The beginning of a great adventure

I’m putting this on my baby blog because it’s more related to this part of my life, and...

Wed, 24 Oct 2012 15:05:53 +0800

I’m putting this on my baby blog because it’s more related to this part of my life, and not everyone wants to hear my whine.

And everyone who follows this blog are people I know and trust.

So…lots of you know there’s a few pregnant people in my family at the moment.

One of them is my sister in law, who told us about it just over a week ago. She was ten weeks, but they weren’t sure if it was going to work out due to her health problems. It was fairly likely she was going to have a miscarriage.

Two days ago we got the news that she had indeed lost the baby.

I didn’t really know how to feel.

I, of course, felt completely sad and sorry that it had happened. It’s an awful, awful thing and and I hate that it happened to them. I also had that horrible selfish feeling that I wish it didn’t happen for the reason that I don’t want my experience to be invaded.

I did want to reach out to them though, to say I understand. I sent her a message (keep in mind we’re not that close) to say I was sorry and here if she wanted to talk. I didn’t say “I understand” because I know every experience is different and there’s a lot about it I won’t.

She responded, and I don’t really know what to do with the response.

She said that she knew it happens a lot but she’d been to hell and back with how it happened. I felt like saying “Yes, I know…it happened to ME.” And I know she wasn’t, but it felt a tiny bit like she was trivialising when it happened to me because hers was SO awful. Then she told me she was finding comfort in the fact that the baby they already have now has a guardian angel. And I was like…yeah, good for you, you can be comforted by the fact that you already have a baby. And then she said that maybe we’d talk when we’d see each other next, better than phone. Which felt like she was throwing the offer back in my face.

I KNOW she didn’t mean any of these things I felt, I am super aware that I am extra sensitive about all this stuff, and I know she’s got to deal with it however she wants to and feels she needs to, and everything.

But it still really hurt.

13 weeks

Sun, 01 Jul 2012 07:51:00 +0800

This is as far as we got with this pregnancy.

Words cannot describe the pain we are going through.

This blog will lay dorment for a while.

12 Weeks

Fri, 15 Jun 2012 19:37:14 +0800

My little fetus is three months old! Supposedly this means we’re out of the ‘danger zone’, but I still carry around fear everywhere I go. My morning sickness and fatigued has greatly gone down, and while this is certainly nice, it also leaves me with this uneasy feeling. Now, I have no real symptoms. I’m not showing yet and I’m no longer throwing up… I can’t help but feel the ‘realness’ of it all slipping away again.

It honestly does not feel like I’m pregnant, and half the time I forget. While we’re obviously talking and thinking a lot about the baby, but we were doing that before I got pregnant.

I have my first trimester scan in just over a week, and I can’t but feeling a horrible sense of dread that that wand is going to roll across my stomach and the screen will be blank.

I know this is highly unlikely, and just a result of my mind being allowed to wander, but it’s always lingering there.

I am truly grateful I am no longer throwing up every meal (though my stomach rejected a Kit Kat this afternoon) and I have much more energy.

I just can’t believe what lies ahead of me. I’m having this doctor’s appointment and tests, and people are giving me presents, and my students are all excited and people are congratulating me and it’s just so insane - I feel like I’m watching it happen to someone else.

My sister-in-law told me she’s also pregnant a few weeks ago. She apologised that I wouldn’t be able to be pregnant “on my own” now and she felt bad and I was quite offended she thought I’d be even remotely upset about this. Especially since we do live two and a half thousand kilometres away and her being pregnant is not going to affect my life in any way at all.

10 weeks

Tue, 29 May 2012 22:02:42 +0800

Just two more weeks and I’ll be out of ‘the danger zone’. Two more weeks and supposedly I’ll start feeling a heck of a lot better.

Man, I hope so.

Being pregnant so far hasn’t exactly been a barrel of laughs. It’s mostly consisted of throwing up everything I eat and having awkward conversations with people. I’m either trying desperatetly not to talk about it too much because I don’t want to be that person, or getting annoyed with stupid questions.

I’m really tired of people asking me if it was planned. Really, this is a really rude and personal question. Not going to lie, I always wonder this when I hear someone I know is pregnant but I would never, ever think to ask. None of the doctors ever ask this, neither do my closest friends. But people I don’t know very well and pretty much everyone in my family think this is the first logical question when they hear the news.

The best reaction so far has honestly been form my dad, which surprised me a lot. I only met him five years ago and in many ways our relationship is still very new. We’re still getting to know each other and there’s several emotional landmines we occasionally stumble upon. I was a little worried he’d freak out a little but he was absolutely rapt. He started to cry and he kept saying over and over again how happy he was. He really was absolutely so happy, and for a while all he could say was “That’s beautiful, Sarah. That’s so beautiful.” He wanted to hear everything and has already called me twice since then to get updates. At the end of the conversation he told me he loved me for the first time.

I honestly had never drawn the parallels until now, but I just started thinking about how different this compares to when my mum told him she was pregnant with me - a conversation that ended their relationship.

My mum herself has been alright, really happy and everything but keeps telling me off for being so far away from her. She called me ‘mean’ yesterday, which quite annoyed me.

The first scan was amazing and it was great to see there’s actually something there, but to be honest I’m still struggling with it feeling real.

Mostly I’m just really fucking wrecked.

8 Weeks

Wed, 16 May 2012 14:51:59 +0800

So, there’s my baby. I had my first scan on Monday, which was to determine that yes, there is definitely something living in there, and that everything was going as it should be.

I was feeling pretty weird beforehand, because I was still struggling a bit with believing it was real. When she first began to rub the wand over my stomach I was sure there’d be nothing there, and once they found something I knew there was going to be silence; no heartbeat.

But there was both - a little baby that right now is pretty much a large sea monkey, and flashing that indicated the heart beat. She was able to measure it at 163 beats per minute, which she was was perfect.

She was also able to measure and date it for us (how? how? my husband and I both wanted to know. He said later he was dying to ask a dozen questions about how the machine and calculations worked.) It’s 14mm long and at the time was 7 weeks and 4 days old. Tomorrow I’ll be 8 weeks. It’s due to be born on the 28th December. (No kidding; that was the date that was in my head.)

It definitely feels like it’s real now - much less chance someone is going to look up from a clipboard and say “Oh no, there’s been a terrible mistake.”

Besides the photograph (which, really, looks like blobs and lines) I have a wonderful concrete pregnancy symptom to hang my hat on - morning sickness.

GOOD GOD MORNING SICKNESS.

That name is a sham - it’s not in the morning. It’s every single fucking hour of the day. No kidding. The first few weeks I was feeling a bit queasy, sure, but usually I could either ignore it or it would be gone soon. From Friday, I have struggled to keep any food down, and I feel disgustingly sick every single second. I was really hoping to be one of those women who doesn’t get sick, but no such luck. It’s so hard for me to find foods that seem remotely appetising, let alone ones that will actually stay down. It’s horrible and I hate it.

People are saying “Well, it’s only for the first trimester” which yes, is true, but that’s still four more weeks to go, and I’ve struggled to make it through the last four days.

Waiting on the promised energy boost and happy hormones!

What I'm scared of

Thu, 03 May 2012 13:52:15 +0800

As I’ve been thinking about this, I’ve realised it’s not the obvious. I’m not afraid of the pain of giving birth.

This is a big thing for me to admit, because ever since I was young, I’ve been terrified for labor. When I was in high school, I used to actually wish I wasn’t able to have kids so I wouldn’t have to do it. But now, I have a serious peace about it all. I know it’s what my body is made for and it’s not going to last forever. And when it’s over, I’m going to have something more precious to me than anything else.

Here is what DOES scare me:

When I get to the point in my pregnancy when I can’t do things. I am fiercely independent and loathe asking for help, and yet I know I’m going to get to the point where I can’t lift things, drive or even sit down without assistance.
Losing the baby. Whether due to something I do, like eating uncooked meat, an accident, or just “one of those things” I can’t even begin to contemplate losing it. My husband would fall to pieces for one thing.
Doing something wrong. Since the very moment I saw the two lines on the test, I suddenly felt this great pressure, this great responsibility on my shoulders to keep this little life alive. I am being trusted to be the protector and provider for this little baby and there are so many ways during this time that I can have such an impact on its health.
Being interfered with during the birth. This is probably my biggest one. I want to have as natural a birth as possible - ideally, I really want a home birth with a midwife. I don’t know if that’s going to be a possibility. If I am in a hospital, I don’t want monitors on me all the time. I don’t want to be told where and how to sit. I don’t want someone telling me it’s taking too long and they want to induce. I know some things do become emergencies and are necessary, but I also know that doctors can have their own idea of what should be happening. I want my body to just do what it needs to when it needs to do it.
Post-natal depression. I’ve already been identified as high risk for this. Please, God, no.

Telling people

Mon, 30 Apr 2012 15:31:54 +0800

Pretty much everyone who needs to be told has been told. The only people I really need to make a point about telling are my grandfather and my dad. I really don’t want to call my grandfather because he’s bound to be a pill about it, but unfortunately that’s what I need to do. I’ll probably wait to tell my dad until after my scan.

Everyone has generally been really happy and excited so far, though of course everyone has mentioned us coming home. WE LIVE HERE NOW.

For those people who don’t know, just over two years ago my husband and I moved interstate, away from all our family. It’s not always easy, but we love where we live and the niche we’re carving for ourselves and we’ve got no immediate plans to move back.

We know support would probably be helpful once we have a baby, but we kind of resent the idea that we won’t be able to do it with all our family around. When we’re really honest, we believe it’ll actually make things harder in some ways.

My mum will be stressed and fussing over me, my sisters-in-law will be condescending and telling me what to do, let alone family drama about who’s been invited to what and who’s allowed to look after it and someone being offended by something.

It’s part of the reason why we MOVED.

We shouldn’t really complain though, considering they just want us home and we should feel happy about that. But, as my husband says, they’ve all said it once now. It better not be brought up again.

I’m also hoping for not too much ‘help’ from my sisters-in-law, who totally mean well, but have definite opinions and have the tendency to talk down to me. Because they’ve all already had babies, therefore they are experts and know everything there is to know.

I really shouldn’t be too bitter about it, I know they just want to help. But god does it annoy the crap out of me.

I’m not exactly sick of telling people but it just feels weird. It seems so strange to me that I can just have peed on a stick, saw two lines and now I can say I have a baby inside me. It’s too early to see a scan or anything yet, and far too early to feel or see it, so it just doesn’t feel real. I have my scan in two weeks and I honestly feel like I’m going to have to say “Oh, sorry everyone, it was just the tacos.”

So far...

Sat, 28 Apr 2012 09:58:33 +0800

..being pregnant kind of sucks.

Not the “I’m going to have a baby” part - I’m totally happy about that. But the pregnant part is not so good.

I know I’ve been fairly lucky so far in that I’ve only thrown up once, but I feel sick ALL THE TIME. Literally. All. The. Time. Not to mention, I have period-like cramps - yes - ALL. THE. TIME. It really freaked me out the first few days because I knew pain is generally considered bad, and I thought I was losing it as soon as I knew it existed.

The really weird/horrible thing is that the symptoms for a miscarriage are the same as perfectly normal pregnant symptoms.

I really am in total fear of having a miscarriage which I know is common.

I just can’t wait til it’s bigger and stronger and I can SEE it and I can actually believe there’s a baby in there.

Pregnant

Fri, 27 Apr 2012 19:02:24 +0800

And so it begins…

Making the leap

Tue, 06 Mar 2012 18:47:53 +0800

So, I’ve been off the pill for a couple of weeks now, but we haven’t started trying yet. I’m going to be honest - I’m terrified. I really am! Don’t get me wrong, this is absolutely something I want but the thought of everything changing forever, it really is scary.

Gah…

sgtpepp-r: brain-food: Adele Enersen and her project “Mila’s...

Mon, 30 Jan 2012 08:07:06 +0800

sgtpepp-r:

brain-food:

Adele Enersen and her project “Mila’s Daydreams”. During the period of maternity leave, she staged daily and imagines the dreams of her baby.

ohtodayisawindingroad: Yup.

Sun, 29 Jan 2012 16:00:05 +0800

ohtodayisawindingroad:

Yup.

Blood test

Fri, 27 Jan 2012 19:24:43 +0800

Last week I went to see my doctor to discuss what I should be doing, what I should get tested for, before I start trying to conceive.

It’s basically about what I’ve been trying to do - get my body in the best shape it can be. I did get an order for a bunch of blood tests, just to make sure things aren’t doing anything weird and I don’t have any communiciable diseases.

I don’t think anyone is happy to have a blood test. I’m fine with injections but blood tests…well, they fucking hurt. For the first time ever, today the nurse couldn’t get any blood, so had to do a lot of poking and prodding. I closed my eyes and breathed through it and then it was fine.

After she was done she looked at my form and said, “Oh, so you’re trying to conceive?” I said, “yes” and she goes, “You’re going to have to get used to pain then.”

Shut up, you.

Starting to take pre-natal vitamins. The end of the year is coming up really fast…

Wed, 26 Oct 2011 11:13:54 +0800

Starting to take pre-natal vitamins.

The end of the year is coming up really fast…

Getting healthy.

Sat, 01 Oct 2011 15:31:04 +0800

Husband and I continue to talk seriously.

He’s read a whole bunch of articles about eating healthy and what I need and what I should avoid. He’s making me do things like drink wheat germ smoothies every morning. He literally sits there watching me making sure I finish it.

I have to work out some kind of exercise plan to make sure my body is in the best possible shape before we start trying. It’ll improve our chances and mean our baby will be healthy. Plus, any exercise I do regularly before I get pregnant I can continue even while I am, but it’s much more difficult and dangerous to start something new.

I am honestly quite keen to start trying as soon as I get home from my trip, but Husband wants to wait another month or so.

I am so tired of waiting.

Closer.

Wed, 28 Sep 2011 21:51:21 +0800

I am seriously thinking of trying to have kids in a month.

I am tired of waiting. I am tired of wanting this so badly, of feeling like someone is missing when I come home, a feeling as though a part of my is dead just waiting to come alive.

I’ve spent the week in a kindy class, which usually would be difficult, but I’ve honestly loved it. I’ve loved sitting there for hours patiently pasting beads onto cardboard, and holding a little girl’s hand as she walks over the same set of tyres over and over again. I almost cried when a little boy sat on my lap, threw his arms around my neck, relax into me and fall asleep.

Husband and I discussed it last night. He was hesitant but we also know that there’s always going to be a reason not to, and it’s always going to be hard. We’re thinking about it.

I’ve spent the last few months, since deciding we want to start a family soon, thinking a lot about my plans. Now I’m actually going to start preparing.

I’m going to start taking all the vitamins I should be taking, and go have a doctor’s check up. I’m going to start eating healthy and getting my body in the best shape it can be.

I’m going to make a list of everything I need, and budget for it.

I might not be prepared, but I am so ready for this.

Another big tick in the ‘home schooling’ column: NOT HAVING TO SIT THROUGH BORING SCHOOL...

Thu, 15 Sep 2011 21:36:59 +0800

Another big tick in the ‘home schooling’ column:

NOT HAVING TO SIT THROUGH BORING SCHOOL ASSEMBLIES.

My child will...

Mon, 12 Sep 2011 12:46:49 +0800

I follow a few baby/expectant mother blogs. I guess because I’m a masochist and like reminding myself of what I want and don’t have.

A few of them have been reblogging posts from My Child Will. And you know what? They really bother me.

Don’t get me wrong, I completely understand with having an idea of how you want to raise your children. There’s times when I can think of nothing else. I want my children to be readers, be proud of being different and Christians.

However, I am fully aware that being a parent is not like building a character or controlling somebody else completely. I read things like

My child will never touch the Twilight books.

My child will love YouTube

My child will be like a 90s child.

Of course your child will be influenced by you, but they will still be their own person. They will have their own interests and talents.

Then I see things like

My child will never see me drink alcohol.

My child will never be yelled at for making mistakes.

My child will have a date to prom.

My child will never have a reason to self harm or think about suicide.

Again this are very noble aspirations for your child, but you cannot control their entire lives. And you cannot know what you will do in certain situations. Sometimes you might get frustrated and yell. You are going to make errors in judgement as a parent. Moreover, what you determine as social success might not be the same as your child’s. So what if they don’t have a date to prom? What if they don’t care?

The last one bothers me as well. What if your child is mercilessly bullied? What if they have a mental illness?

Sure, make decisions about the kind of parent you want to be, and every good parent wants their child to be happy and healthy but your child is not your puppet, nor are they going to always make you happy.

They will be a person.

Watching the finale episode of Coupling when you are as baby crazy as me leads to tears.

Tue, 16 Aug 2011 21:55:01 +0800

Also - I hinted to my mother we might not come home when we start having kids and she completely...

Sat, 16 Jul 2011 16:59:37 +0800

Also - I hinted to my mother we might not come home when we start having kids and she completely lost the plot. Actually made me more sure of the decision, though she freaked me out when she said “if you did that, I’d move there!” She wouldn’t, but that’s how she reacts.

*sigh*